Anotherbrick

All in all its just another brick in the wall...

I had written two rants this night - this is the first. I didn't save either. This one was later returned to me by someone who had read it and loved it enough to save it. She later became someone very close to me, whom I still love very much and hold dear to my heart.

as I was saying, I'm in another of my 'profound' moods and I thought i'd share it with the world. I know there are some who read this and understand, it is for them that I write. the rest are welcome to email me any questions, etc. And yes, i know that I'm ramdomly capitolizing things....

So spew begins...

rainy night, cold, but not too, misty, the light plays amongst the trees, ah, the gardens, the old coven site, the pool, the manor, traffic plays in the distance, shiver, wet, male and female - what is the true difference, that which is male which does not contain female is not whole, the reverse being true, creation/destruction, we are all one, everything is the same, value all or value nothing, godess, right and wrong, arbitrary, peppermint schnapps, warmth, longing, love, time passes so fast and yet so slow, arbitrary, the body is but a confining cell for the soul, my greatest fear is that noone shall understand, racism, riots, pointless all, a wish to find the button and reset the past, world war three - the end - let the world start over, no, fatalistic, we are nature too, i am part of the whole, by wishing to destroy myself i wish to destroy the whole, one good for nine bad, a hero, three long/short years, what has been gained, to wander and wonder, friendship, a princess, hate, fear, terror, comfort, i'm alone here in the gardens of the night, comforting rain, the good godess, look at the past, fear, pride, comfort, accomplishment, look to the future, fear, challenge, the unknown, fear is a constant, share this with the world.....

scene change...

it is so sad / i understand the utter sadness a creative spirit can feel / knowing it is trapped in a shell which does not allow for full expression/ so we fool ourselves into believing this is all there can be / but we catch a glimpse / when we are with the one we choose to allow beneath our shields / of the reality that illudes us / love becomes harsh after too many are lost / we resent the other for that little glimpse they gave / for it shatters our illusion / we try to create it / through art / musics and fictions / this writing itself / all try to express the feelings of the innermost self / and fall so far short / it is so sad

scene change...

so here I sit, trying to recall my time in the gardens, unsure myself what i felt then, longing to feel it again, 2 for 2, in the darkest of times, when all seems lost, i will remember this, and strive to return once again and make it 3 for 3, friends, to many have come and gone, there is no free will, you are but an automaton which reacts to the inputs of your invironment, NO, no, that is not so, i am me, i know who i am, i am not a machine, i am all, i am they, they are me, to hate is to hate oneself, entropy always increases, and i still sit here, staring at this machine, shivering, wet, trying to let myself talk to the world, and failing miserably, it is so sad...

so, i don't know what to do now, drink to take off the chill...

arrrggg, peppermint, and so my blood flows a bit thinner, and i give more of my body heat to the world, but I am part of the whole and so I lose nothing, and to think, this all started with a bottle, a few random thoughts, and Princes of the Universe by Queen....

my roommate was watching Hilander, cool flic, but that's not important right now....

I realize now, all that I have done, my drawings, my singing, before i lost my pipes anyway, and mostly my fiction are me trying to communicate through this shell in which i am imprissioned, this shell some call brian, some call friend, some call enemy, some call son, some call zoner, some call daytona, some call megazone, some call bik, and i call home, undocumented features is part of me, and i don't want to let the universe i helped create die, for if it does, part of me dies too, it is all so sad...

why do i go on?

what is the point?

why don't i just end it?

why, because that would be letting them win!

isn't it all just so sad?

- mega(bik,zoner,daytona,scared,vulnerable,strong,sure,proud,shy)zone, 5/9/92