All in all its just another brick in the wall...
I had written two rants this night - this is the first. I
didn't save either. This one was later returned to me by someone who
had read it and loved it enough to save it. She later became someone
very close to me, whom I still love very much and hold dear to my
as I was saying, I'm in another of my 'profound' moods and I
thought i'd share it with the world. I know there are some who read
this and understand, it is for them that I write. the rest are welcome
to email me any questions, etc. And yes, i know that I'm ramdomly
So spew begins...
rainy night, cold, but not too, misty, the light plays amongst the
trees, ah, the gardens, the old coven site, the pool, the manor,
traffic plays in the distance, shiver, wet, male and female - what is
the true difference, that which is male which does not contain female
is not whole, the reverse being true, creation/destruction, we are all
one, everything is the same, value all or value nothing, godess, right
and wrong, arbitrary, peppermint schnapps, warmth, longing, love, time
passes so fast and yet so slow, arbitrary, the body is but a confining
cell for the soul, my greatest fear is that noone shall understand,
racism, riots, pointless all, a wish to find the button and reset the
past, world war three - the end - let the world start over, no,
fatalistic, we are nature too, i am part of the whole, by wishing to
destroy myself i wish to destroy the whole, one good for nine bad, a
hero, three long/short years, what has been gained, to wander and
wonder, friendship, a princess, hate, fear, terror, comfort, i'm alone
here in the gardens of the night, comforting rain, the good godess,
look at the past, fear, pride, comfort, accomplishment, look to the
future, fear, challenge, the unknown, fear is a constant, share this
with the world.....
it is so sad / i understand the utter sadness a creative spirit can
feel / knowing it is trapped in a shell which does not allow for full
expression/ so we fool ourselves into believing this is all there can
be / but we catch a glimpse / when we are with the one we choose to
allow beneath our shields / of the reality that illudes us / love
becomes harsh after too many are lost / we resent the other for that
little glimpse they gave / for it shatters our illusion / we try to
create it / through art / musics and fictions / this writing itself /
all try to express the feelings of the innermost self / and fall so
far short / it is so sad
so here I sit, trying to recall my time in the gardens, unsure
myself what i felt then, longing to feel it again, 2 for 2, in the
darkest of times, when all seems lost, i will remember this, and
strive to return once again and make it 3 for 3, friends, to many have
come and gone, there is no free will, you are but an automaton which
reacts to the inputs of your invironment, NO, no, that is not so, i am
me, i know who i am, i am not a machine, i am all, i am they, they are
me, to hate is to hate oneself, entropy always increases, and i still
sit here, staring at this machine, shivering, wet, trying to let
myself talk to the world, and failing miserably, it is so sad...
so, i don't know what to do now, drink to take off the chill...
arrrggg, peppermint, and so my blood flows a bit thinner, and i
give more of my body heat to the world, but I am part of the whole and
so I lose nothing, and to think, this all started with a bottle, a few
random thoughts, and Princes of the Universe by Queen....
my roommate was watching Hilander, cool flic, but that's not
important right now....
I realize now, all that I have done, my drawings, my singing,
before i lost my pipes anyway, and mostly my fiction are me trying to
communicate through this shell in which i am imprissioned, this shell
some call brian, some call friend, some call enemy, some call son,
some call zoner, some call daytona, some call megazone, some call bik,
and i call home, undocumented features is part of me, and i don't want
to let the universe i helped create die, for if it does, part of me
dies too, it is all so sad...
why do i go on?
what is the point?
why don't i just end it?
why, because that would be letting them win!
isn't it all just so sad?